Sharing Husbands is Caring!

Polygamy, the topic that always sparks up a heated discussion. Most non-Muslim women will find the idea of multiple wives appalling and unfair among millions of other things. Some Muslim ladies might feel somewhat the same, or would never want it for themselves and rather have a divorce. There are those who remain neutral and hope their husbands will not marry another, but won’t ask for a divorce if they do. And on the other hand we have women who are defenders and spokes-persons for polygamy.

This might come as a surprise for many. I certainly never thought I would come across a Muslim woman who speaks FOR polygamy. I imagined all women would kind of stick to defending women’s rights and not men’s rights. But I was wrong. Sadly there’s always women who think of men’s feelings and needs as superior to women’s.

These polygamy-activists make co-wifery sound like a walk in the park. A pleasant, calm and enjoyable experience. But how come all of the polygamous marriages I heard/know about are nothing like that? I would rather describe them as roller-coaster rides or even as life on a deserted island. In most cases, polygamy makes the lives of the women and children miserable. The husband is the one walking in the different parks.

Personally I don’t understand women who think they must advertise polygamy. Sure, Islam allows it under certain conditions, but that does not mean it encourages it. Some very few women might of course want to be in a polygamous marriage even going as far as suggesting it to the husband or helping to find the second, third or fourth wife. Voluntary polygamous marriages where all parties live happily do exist, but they are extremely rare.

Polygamy is not for all couples and not every Muslim woman has to accept it as part of their own lives. The fact of the matter is polygamy breaks most marriages and traumatizes children affected by it. Defending men’s rights to take second wives on a whim or for sexual pleasure and saying women should just suffer for the sake of Allah and pray they become better wives is just strange and even offensive coming from a woman’s mouth.

It’s not a Muslim woman’s duty to accept being a co-wife. Women are different. Most cannot handle being a co-wife, and that’s perfectly normal and human. I think acknowledging that is important. Thinking this way should not be made a shameful thing. That is one of the issues I have with pro-polygamists. They tend to think women who deny their husbands polygamy are MAJOR SINNERS.

Polygamy fanatics like to raise themselves above other Muslim sisters by saying things like “how dare she have the audacity to deny her husband his God given rights“. They say stuff like “Allah gave men a much stronger drive than women and to help keep him from committing sins He gave him the right to more than one spouse” or  best yet “none of us truly believes until we want for our sisters what we want for ourselves, and that includes sharing a good husband with someone who has not yet found one”.

Seriously? If you TRULY believe, the only way to show it is to share your husband, especially the good ones.

Sharing is caring!

The way polygamy is practiced in Saudi-Arabia today is just light years away from what it was back in the times of the Prophet Mohammed. The justification of sexual pleasure is not mentioned anywhere in the Quran, yet it remains one of the most repeated slogans from pro-polygamists. When speaking of polygamy, it should be considered how, where and why the verse was actually revealed.

The verse in the Quran was revealed after the battle of Uhud which left hundreds of orphans and widows behind “If you fear that you will not be just/equitable to the orphans, then marry as permissible for you, women, two, three or four. But if you fear you will not be just/equitable, then one or to whom you are committed to by oath. That is better so that you do not deviate from the right course“. 4:3

To me considering the background, this reads: If you’re a man and there happens to be a situation where there are much more women than men following massive loss from battles resulting in many orphans in need of a providing parent, then to solve this problem, and in this case only, you are allowed to marry up to four women from the mothers of those orphans in order to help them, but you must be financially, physically and emotionally equipped to treat them equally, and in order to be just to all, you must ask the first wife’s permission to do so, otherwise stick to just one wife which is better for you.

How can a man be just in his treatment anyway if he doesn’t get approval from the first wife? If she is against the idea, he is not treating her justly. Marrying another wife against her wishes results in one wife feeling betrayal and anger and thus getting unfair and unequal treatment. So from the start a man that marries behind the wife’s back or contrary to her wishes has gone against what the verse states as a clear condition to plural marriage.

Speaking about fairness and justice, I think this verse from the Quran “You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire,.. 4:129 sort of hits the nail on the coffin for pro-polygamy speeches.

If  according to the Quran, no man will EVER be able to do perfect justice with his wives, in addition to just treatment being the condition to taking multiple wives, then to me that either implies polygamy is HIGHLY discouraged (but still permissible) or downright not to be messed with.

Despite these facts, polygamy activists have a mind of their own. They like to pull out the “sex drive”-card. Those poor men have such strong urges, they NEED more than one wife to get satisfied and not to go searching for prostitutes. And the first wife MUST accept and understand this. To me this is just disgusting. First of all, is that what the consequent wives are for, only to act as sex toys to the poor husbands? Is this how highly some women think of other women?

What about those poor women that have much stronger sex drives than their husbands? What is their solution? Why do some women condescend to viewing men as some sort of sexual predators that only think of sex? As if men are not capable of controlling themselves whatsoever. What about women? How can they control their desires? As if women don’t have any desires whatsoever.

Another excuse I hear from polygamy defenders in Saudi is that there’s just so much more women than men here, it makes taking more wives in fact, charity. It is simply a noble act. Just think of all those unmarried women out there! Anxiously waiting at home, twiddling their thumbs and dreaming of becoming third wives to 60-year old men with 25 kids.

To those people I would like to show these latest statistics.
CIA fact book from Saudi-Arabia:
0-14 years: 29.4% (male 3,939,377/female 3,754,020)

15-64 years: 67.6% (male 9,980,253/female 7,685,328)
65 years and over: 3% (male 404,269/female 368,456) (2011 est).

So in fact, there are 2,294,925 MILLION more men than women of “marriageable” age in Saudi-Arabia.

Wait, doesn’t this, according to that same reasoning mean that Saudis should start practicing polyandry instead of polygyny?Hmm..What about all those poor mister spinsters, who will marry them??

One of His signs is that He created for you spouses like your selves so that you may live with them with affection and mercy – there are signs in this for people who reflect“. (Qur’an 30:21)

I wish some women would reflect and stop speaking for men’s rights over women’s. It’s a woman’s right to choose whether or not they want to be in a polygamous marriage.
It’s a mans world already, don’t make it worse.

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  • NoorNovember 19, 2011 - 10:07 am

    Maybe they are defending it bc of the bad image that it has. It even seems that Muslims are against it these days which as Muslims we should not since accepting it is part of our religion. Accepting things though does not mean we have to love it. I could never do it but my dh would have the right if he wanted. Although my dh would never do that alhumdullah. I know many women may divorce their dh which really is not right in our religion. Most mixed marriages here do not get along (the women) you see in America the non-Muslims are close ie Sister Wives. Its nice when a man marries a widow to help her or maybe his wife can not have kids. Allah knows all..ReplyCancel

  • AnonymousNovember 19, 2011 - 10:09 am

    OMG amazing post..well read and to the point. Sometimes it seems women are the enablers and make so many excuses for men..like “if he doesn’t have another wife he may fulfil his needs elsewhere or with a prostitute”.. R U SERIOUS?..if u even consider that u have major problems ppl. It shows your husband might have a problem with his Islam not cos his mojo is in overdrive…Get what I’m saying?…sometimes women are their own worst enemy.
    _GawjusGurlReplyCancel

  • AnonymousNovember 19, 2011 - 11:06 am

    Great post and honest,straight to the point.Saudi men practice polygamy for all the wrong reasons. And only for selfish reasons or did someone hear of a man that married a woman older than him,or at least a widowed woman with many kids? Nope.Dont know any!!!
    They always marry a young virgin. yuck.
    And you’r right I too have yet to meet a succesful and happily married polygamy family.

    oh and have you noticed how a Saudi man will have no problmen taking additional wives for himself but when it comes to his daughter,oh no, dont you dare!!the hypocrisy and double standards!!ReplyCancel

  • Marokon morsianNovember 19, 2011 - 6:03 pm

    Salamaleykom. Pakko taas palata kommentoimaan, että ihan mahtikirjoitus! Jos vaan kaikki ymmärtäisivätkin kimurantin aiheen samalla tavalla, kuten se Koraaninkin mukaan menee, ei kaikkia meitä muslimien parempia puoliskoja tuomittaisi jonnekin jalkavaimo-kastiin.

    Taas kerran mainio esimerkki siitä, ettei koskaan pidä sekoittaa itse islaminuskoa, joka on pyhä ja puhdas, sitä harjoittavien uskovien kanssa keskenään. Valitettavasti kaikki “muslimit” kun eivät tunne Koraaninsa kukkasia ;)ReplyCancel

  • AlejandraNovember 19, 2011 - 6:38 pm

    amazing post!ReplyCancel

  • AnonymousNovember 20, 2011 - 12:41 pm

    Excellent article mrs Laylah.
    But did you notice that the first comment you got was from such a defender of mens rights?She doesnt mind if her husband gets another wife. OMG.
    Because its his right.
    Come on women wake up from this brainwashing!!!!
    news flash-its also YOUR right to be the only wife.
    Why women dont put it in their contracts to be only wife? Then the husband takes more wives and that first becomes bitter, jealous and a monster.It could all be avoided by that simple clause!
    SOmetimes I think women are stupid (no offense anyone) or naive to think MY husband would never do it.
    I bet ALL the women who ended up as co wife said that. Evrey single one.
    O please stop complaining and do something about it is my advice.

    /KReplyCancel

    • MO007May 5, 2014 - 2:21 pm

      “More recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their lives” –

      source: http://www.futurescopes.com/affairs-and-infidelity/3052/extramarital-affair-statistics-revealed

      Talk about rights of a Western Woman, not to mention STDs, illegetimate children, single-moms.

      Islam gives husbands the right to four wives – conditions attached, of course. At the same time, a woman has rights to be a wife, children have rights to a dad (not timed child support) …

      …been there, seen all in USReplyCancel

      • LaylaMay 5, 2014 - 3:06 pm

        and what about the thousands Saudi men who go to Bahrain/UAE on weekends? Just for the cinema? Probably 80-90% of Saudi men engage in prostitutes at some point of their lives.
        The husband then brings back to the wife STD’s maybe even HIV. if his sex excursions result in children they will grow up without a father, they will most likely not be raised Muslims..
        First clean your own backyard before you look at the west!ReplyCancel

  • AnonymousNovember 20, 2011 - 1:28 pm

    “I know many women may divorce their dh which really is not right in our religion. “..
    If muslim women were more assertive and knew their rights God gave them to use (especially the converts) before marriage..then they could write in their marriage contract to be the only wife or else immediate divorce and conditions applying..we need to take the rights we have as muslim women.and yes the right to divorce is not encouraged but it defiantly is ok to do in Islam when all other options have failed.ReplyCancel

  • DentographerNovember 21, 2011 - 12:22 am

    As a Male,i bet my comment here is going to be read with the surgical precision and everything i will say here will be used against me harshly lol.

    its a confusing matter to say the least,and definitely an overused,or shall i say an abused right that is “given” to men.

    i remember a friend of the family who was married to two women,who always used to fight,and for him to punish those two wives,he married a third.

    any man who carries honest feelings to his spouse would know how much it hurts a wife to have a co wife,and if he was sincerely loving her,and there was no medical condition or any other obligatory reason for him to remarry,doing so will break a heart,and that alone is a good reason for him not to do it.

    not that i want to justify polygamy for this reason,but the whole sex drive thing have some sort of truth in it,especially with women going into cycles,and the fact that sexual activity is somthing that moodiness plays a big role in to make it an act of pleasure, my point is,sexual frustration does exist,however,it exists for both genders,not only for the male,which is one of the things that makes me wonder why is it justified for men,and not for women.ReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 21, 2011 - 2:13 am

    Noor-I think it’s also our right to be the only wife. It’s our right not to want to live in a polygamous marriage. Why put his right first?

    How is this against Islam?

    Why did one of the Prophets granddaughters have the “no second wife” clause in her contract put in, if its not acceptable?ReplyCancel

    • AnonymousOctober 12, 2012 - 8:50 am

      there can be nothing in an Islamic marriage contract that contradicts the Quran. Probably just gave herself the right to a divorce if he took another wife…wonder how the exact wording went….:)ReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 21, 2011 - 2:15 am

    GawjusGurl-I agree 100% with what you say-women are each others worst enemies sometimes.
    We should stick together and work for women’s rights and stop making excuses for men.
    We should stop defending men and start sticking up for ourselves.ReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 21, 2011 - 2:17 am

    I’ve noticed that double-standard of having multiple wives, but then not being ok with their daughters having to be a co-wife.
    But that’s what Saudi is all about, double-standards when it comes to men.ReplyCancel

    • AnonymousNovember 19, 2012 - 7:18 pm

      I completely agree. Some people don’t mind hurting others and doing it to someone else, but if it happens to their close family members they sing a different tune. This is how it is: If you don’t want it to happen to you, don’t do it to others.ReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 21, 2011 - 2:19 am

    Alejandra-Thanks!
    K-You know why I think women so easily believe in that? Because they are brainwashed into thinking they will be better muslims if they become second wives, or that putting their husband’s selfish needs in front of all else and by sacrificing their own happiness, they will somehow become more “pious”.ReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 21, 2011 - 2:22 am

    anon 3:41-I don’t think it’s always the case that converts don’t know about their option of putting that clause in their contracts, but more their being brainwashed into thinking by not having it, they will be more pious wives and better Muslims.
    I think its sad because they are giving up their happiness and lives in the process.

    Even born Muslims rarely have the clause in their contracts.ReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 21, 2011 - 2:29 am

    Dentographer-thanks for your male point of view.

    What kind of man marries a third wife just as a punishment for the two? Didn’t he realize his life would become hell after that? I mean now you’re stuck with three angry and bitter women My God the logic..

    I have to disagree with you about the drive thing,I think it’s used only as an excuse.Men have good and bad days too.
    A couple should go to sex therapy rather than have the man run to get a new wife just for pleasure.
    Even the thought is sickening to me.

    Btw, what did you mean by “obligatory reason to remarry”?ReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 21, 2011 - 2:33 am

    Marokon Morsian-kiitos kommentista!
    Niinhan se menee, ihmisilla on ainakin suomessa taysin vaarat mielikuvat millaista on olla muslimi, tai sellaisen vaimo. Naisten oikeuksista puhumattakaan..ReplyCancel

  • DentographerNovember 21, 2011 - 3:04 am

    This comment has been removed by the author.ReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 21, 2011 - 3:10 am

    Ahaa, ok thanks for clarifying :)

    So in your opinion would it be a just reason for a man to remarry, if the first wife cannot have children?
    Would that not be a double stab in her heart?
    What if that’s the way God meant it to be, that they are left childless..ReplyCancel

  • DentographerNovember 21, 2011 - 3:16 am

    I believe you misunderstood my comment, I ment that sex drive frustration exists but in equal amounts for both sexes and it doesn’t not justify one genders need to remarry over the other while the other cant.

    By obligatory, I meant left with no choice but to remarry, I apologize for using the wrong wordReplyCancel

  • DentographerNovember 21, 2011 - 4:12 am

    Sorry i had to rewrite my comment to make the point clear, which is way it came again after you replied to it..

    i honestly cannot say if its just..it comes down to what the husbands priorities are,if she comes first to him then he would have probably considered adoption or seeked medical treatment,and if it was all with no avail,the least he can do is moving forward with marraige after an honest consent from her,which i doubt it ever happens.

    a true gentlemen would abstain from having children when his wife is in capable out of respect for her,and he should know that this is definitly rewarded by god to him,as this life is not all that is,and there is an after.

    if it was for me,i would have happily chose adoption,but Alhamdulillah we didnt have to go through such hardship.

    you know,its really intresting to look into history and find the time when islamic teachings were intentionally deviated to be in favour of man,had a lengthy discussion with a knowledgable person about it and it was quite interesting to say the least.ReplyCancel

  • QuranreadingNovember 21, 2011 - 6:48 am

    Oh lovely article in the morning. make my day so pleasurable. Got a feeling of a women but i am really feeling good for being a women. Well in this men’s world female are so much suppressed and feared of saying any thing to the male party weather it;s her father, brother husband or son making them more powerful and ruthless of taking care about the feeling of innocent women. Quran is the only book that give privileged to a women too. Islam is the only religion which tell men that women is some thing important for them to be deal with love and politeness.ReplyCancel

  • AliNovember 21, 2011 - 9:41 am

    I agree with you: Islam allows polygamy but some women in polygamy marriages spout stuff like:
    1) If a woman does not accept her husband marrying again happily, she is sinning
    2) There are many more women than men in the world. When you point out that in most Muslim countries, men outnumber women, they either divert the topic or call the population statistics “Zionist stats”.
    3) Its great to be a co wife, women in single marriages dont know what theya re missing

    Of course the other side is we shouldnt claim men need permission from their wife to marry again, they dont, if the wife wants she can put that in the marriage contract.
    Similarly, some cases may be such that polygamy is better for the man than a mongamoyus marriage and adultery, but lets not elevate polygamy to something that is encouraged, rather it is something permissible.ReplyCancel

  • SandyNovember 21, 2011 - 11:12 am

    Generally if it you put a no second wife clause in your contract- the courts in Saudi will not honor it because you cannot have a clause that takes away a man's right.

    I do want for my sister what I want for myself. I want her to have a nice monogamous marriage like I do.

    They continuously harp on how women should be "patient" about things and not get so hungReplyCancel

  • AnonymousNovember 21, 2011 - 4:02 pm

    @SAndy…
    "I do want for my sister what I want for myself. I want her to have a nice monogamous marriage like I do.
    They continuously harp on how women should be "patient" about things and not get so hung up on the "dunya" world- but the second a man must accept a disabled wife, or no children- suddenly he needs all his rights here as in the hereafter. ChildrenReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 22, 2011 - 12:25 am

    Quranreading-thank you for your comment,I'm glad I made your day pleasurable :)

    Ali-Thanks for another male point of view, appreciate it very much. I don't understand those people who insist that there's more women than men in the world. One such person is Zakir Naik.ReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 22, 2011 - 12:30 am

    Sandy-did you hear of such a case where the woman had that clause yet was not granted a divorce upon the husband taking a second wife>does this really happen? I wouldn't be surprised though.

    But if a judge was the person to agree to put the clause in the first place, wouldn't going against that be violation of the contract which is a legal document?

    btw awesomeReplyCancel

  • gotchaNovember 22, 2011 - 1:27 am

    Actually the birth rates are 105 males to 100 females. Most generally the male population outnumbers the female population up until some around 65 year of age. However China and India have really skewed numbers as they often times kill a female fetus. It is stated that there is actually 33 million less women in the world then men this year.ReplyCancel

  • gotchaNovember 22, 2011 - 1:33 am

    If you have ever read the old testament you will find that often time polygomy turns out very poorly. If there is a less there it is don't do it as it often time destroys the family life and has negative consequences on the children. All of this is actually depicited in the Old Testament. What is interesting is that some still try to say see they did it without seeing the tremendouslyReplyCancel

  • SandyNovember 22, 2011 - 5:24 am

    @Layla,
    I don't know anyone personally to whom that has happened- but I have heard it often. I don't know if they put it in Saudi-based contracts either. It would be interesting to know.

    Really the issue is more child custody in these cases. Women don't want the divorce- even when they do- because they want to keep their children. And a foreign woman who getsReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 22, 2011 - 9:52 am

    Sandy-we have that clause in our Saudi based marriage contract, although the first judge refused to put it in and the second one gave me a hard time, in the end he agreed.ReplyCancel

  • SandyNovember 22, 2011 - 12:24 pm

    That's interesting Laylah. Ultimately I hope you never find out if it works! The main thing is your husband is clear on your wishes and agrees to them. It made me realize though that for foreign wives most are married OUTSIDE the Kingdom- so that is why they would have a harder time enforcing any conditions in their contract, as well as foreign women generally won't pursue divorceReplyCancel

  • GotchaNovember 22, 2011 - 4:47 pm

    I have to say that for western women marrying a muslim men and then going back to his country and having children is risky. It is definitely a great way to imprison women in a polygmous marriage by threatening to take away their right to every see the children. Of course it sounds as though Saudi has a system in place that keeps women in a constant state of fear. If I were you I would thinkReplyCancel

  • AliceNovember 23, 2011 - 3:07 pm

    A very interesting post and I like your way of thinking. I like the comments saying it's a women's God given right to be the only wife and that we should not put man's selfish desires first. Also good point that we should desire for our sisters in Islam what we desire for ourselves – a good monogamous marriage.ReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 23, 2011 - 10:34 pm

    Sandy-I hope so too :)
    I also didn't realize how western women who have already married their Saudis already and just apply for the approval would have a hard time. In that case putting the clause in would most likely be MUCH more difficult and I could imagine a judge refusing to sign such papers.
    The ones we went to were extremely difficult to deal with and I can see a woman bendReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 23, 2011 - 11:55 pm

    gotcha-thanks for your comments. I do have a legally bound "owner" arranged in case of worst case scenario.ReplyCancel

  • LaylahNovember 23, 2011 - 11:57 pm

    Alice-nice to see you around and thanks for your comment! Yes I agree that's what all women should wish upon other women :)ReplyCancel

  • AnonymousJanuary 3, 2012 - 10:06 pm

    God made Adam n Eve right? Not Adam, eve,christy,kim,ashley. 1 man 1 women 2 b together. Ladies value yourselves. Theres a reason y the wives fight bc its not a good thing. yall are very pretty idk y yall let them have more than 1 wife n brain wash yall.ReplyCancel

  • AnonymousJanuary 10, 2012 - 8:56 pm

    Thank you for your post! I thought that in our generation who is under 30 it doesn’t happen anymore, but guess what… My best friend is very sweet Saudi girl who is happily married to Saudi man in the same age. But they’re married for couple years and they still don’t have children even they tried. And her mother in law “advices” as a “solution” to take second wife for her son! It’s not like he’s going to do that, but this pressure from his family doesn’t make things work better. I’m just wondering do those bedouins( they operantly are) understand that children comes from God, not from human bodies, it’s clearly stated in Quran that only God send soul to body and only God can take it back, so if it doesn’t happen till know best thing that mother would do is pray for her son and daughter in law, but not blame them for something which is not in their power.ReplyCancel

  • AnonymousJanuary 10, 2012 - 9:18 pm

    There is Kazakh smart joke about this. There were two friends: one married to one and another had two wives. Who had two all the time was telling another one: “try it, you don’t know what you’re missing, I have two beautiful women around me and enjoy it”. So second guy listened to his friend and married another one. On the next day he had to go at night to the mosque because when he came at night to his second wife she said,” you would love me, I would be your only one, so go to your first wife”, he came to first wife and she said,”you don’t love anymore because you took second wife, so go to her”. He had no place to go and went to the mosque and met his friend there and said,”why did you tell me that it’s nice to have two women, my life is living hell now and I feel more lonely than ever”. He friend said:” I spent many nights here alone and I felt bored so I thought if you will be here I will have someone to talk to”

    The same is when shaitan’s triyng to convince people to do wrong things it’s just because he doesn’t want to be alone in hell. :-)ReplyCancel

  • AnonymousJanuary 24, 2012 - 6:54 pm

    I love your article Layla… Tell me, do Saudi’s every married older, widowed women to take care of them? Or do they typically just marry younger? I argue that women’s sexual desire is just as strong and poligamy is sort of like trading in one’s old car for a newer model. Marriage is more than sex. It has a spiritual, emotional element. Speaking of sex, I think women’s desire is equally as strong.ReplyCancel

  • AnonymousJanuary 25, 2012 - 6:31 pm

    I dont agree with your post about this subject. I am a second wife to my husband and i get along with his first wife very good. The children are like from one family and are not traumatized at all, they have one person more who loves them like their parents.

    In fact im from Scandinavia also and now living in Egypt.

    Like Prophet Mohammed PBUH said, that you do your best to be fair but in the matters of heart, you cant change it, and only Allah can change a heart. Thats what is meant by the verse in Quran saying you will never be able to be fair…ReplyCancel

  • LaylahJanuary 26, 2012 - 2:26 am

    Anon Jan 24-They marry young wives as consequent ones. I NEVER heard of anyone marrying an older woman. Oops sorry I am few years older than my husband LOL
    You’re right marriage is more than SeX but Saudi men don’t always see it that way. I guess taking on a younger teenaged wife for a middle aged man is almost always mainly for the sex and maybe more kids.It’s certainly not for spiritual and intellectual conversations :)ReplyCancel

  • LaylahJanuary 26, 2012 - 2:28 am

    PLEASE all commenters use a nickname for identification, there are four anonymous comments here in a row!ReplyCancel

  • AnonymousJanuary 29, 2012 - 8:27 am
  • AnonymousJanuary 29, 2012 - 8:50 pm

    Not a defender of Polygeny, but a Defender of Marriage

    Allaah allows a man and only a man to engage in “Polygeny” not polygamy.  Polygamy is forbidden, because the wife would have more than one husband. See definitions below:

    Polygamy (polys gamos, translated literally in Late Greek as “often married”)is a marriage which includes more than two partners. When a man is married to more than one wife at a time, the relationship is called polygyny, and there is no marriage bond between the wives; and when a woman is married to more than one husband at a time, it is called polyandry, and there is no marriage bond between the husbands. If a marriage includes multiple husbands and wives, it can be called group marriage. In social anthropology, polygamy is the practice of a person’s making him/herself available for two or more spouses to mate with.

    A man is not required to get any of his wives approval or permission to marry another woman. If anyone has proof from the Quran and authentic Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and prayers be upon him), then present it and I’ll accept it. 

    Just to let you know, I’m not in or ever have been, nor want to be in a marriage of Polygeny, but I do support those that choose it and those that don’t. Why, the neutral position, because Allaah legislated it, so there must be good in it. Allaah enjoins good upon us and forbids evil from us. He wants good for His “believing” servant. 

    I’ve been married for 20 years. My agenda today, is to encourage others to mind their own business, when it comes to what others choose to do in their marriage(s). 

    Marriage is a sacred relationship between a man and his wife and or wives. No one has the right to tell them how to handle their marriage, except Allaah and His Messenger, Prophet Muhammad (peace and prayers be upon him). 

    When the issue of polygeny is debated, whether those for or against, someone’s feelings get hurt. Someone leaves the discussion feeling beaten up on. This is not fair to either party. Those in a marriage of Polygeny and those that are not. 

    A Muslim is a brother to a Muslim. Instead of beating up on our brothers (husbands) and sisters (wives) in Islam, let’s help them to be just in their dealing, in their relationships, whether they’re in a marriage of Polygeny or a marriage of monogamy. 

    Let the readers ponder a upon the following:

    1: By Al-‘Asr (the time).
    2: Verily, man is in loss,
    3: Except those who believe (in Islamic Monotheism) and do righteous good deeds, and recommend one another to the truth [i.e. order one another to perform all kinds of good deeds (Al-Ma’ruf) which Allah has ordained, and abstain from all kinds of sins and evil deeds (Al-Munkar which Allah has forbidden], and recommend one another to patience (for the sufferings, harms, and injuries which one may encounter in Allah’s Cause during preaching His religion of Islamic Monotheism or Jihad).

    May Allaah guide all those that want to be guided and help their tongue maintain moister in His remembrance, ameen.  ReplyCancel

    • ShahedAugust 28, 2014 - 8:01 pm

      Anonymous January 29, 2012 – 8:50 pm

      This is the best post amongst all comments.ReplyCancel

  • bigstickJanuary 29, 2012 - 11:50 pm

    Here is some interesting infomation on sex ratio in Saudia Arabia. It seems men out number the women by a large margin.

    http://www.indexmundi.com/saudi_arabia/sex_ratio.html

    Here are some problems that have been found with polgamy.

    http://www.physorg.com/news/2012-01-monogamy-major-social-problems-polygamist.html

    Hidden atrocities doesn’t help people nor does allowing disregard for another person to justify a selfish need to the expense of the other person. God will never justify that, nor should anyone aid or abet the injustice.ReplyCancel

  • LaylahJanuary 30, 2012 - 11:12 pm

    Bigstick-thank you for this excellent link, have been reading through the whole study all day! Fascinating albeit not so surprising findings :)ReplyCancel

  • AnonymousJune 18, 2012 - 5:49 am

    Well almost all men are for polygamy and I think we all know why its definitely not the reasons that religious men claim it is, I’ve never heard of any rich man marrying a widow as a second wife and a great example would be the rulers in the Arab world or Islamic in general and this is also applicable to the ordinary man who get married again because of lust period only a very small number of men do it for other reasons and they want women to agree ofcourse so they make it easier on there selves but that is very unlikely because women are not dumb they can see what kind of girls become the co-wife usually a young virgin girl but some women agree to it why? because simply in that situation it serves them they are getting the benefit therefore they are staying, and they already know that the man is married its not like a surprise the surprise is for the first wife who will have to share and keep her mouth shut as religious men suggest and want and claim that this is what happened in the past and a women(first wife) have no right what so ever to oppose. And for women who are pro polygamy are usually the second wives( who want to defend themselves more like actions) the other are the brainwashed ones who do as they are told and the other ones are the women who agree that there is thing called “polygamy” but it does not apply to them. There is really no middle ground in this primarily reason is that religious scholars don’t want to hear the other side they always need to be right and claim to be more knowledgeable, the good thing tho is that women are understanding their rights better and are wanting to exercise them like refusing to be forced, threatened by polygamy or divorce and becoming more financially independent which helps them make their own decision.

    Name:sofiReplyCancel

  • KatJune 24, 2012 - 7:11 pm

    Have you ever seen an episode of the American reality TV show "Sisterwives" about an American man and his four wives? Or read the book or blog "Love Times Three" by the Dargers, another American Polygamist family?
    Here's the link: http://lovetimesthree.com/ReplyCancel

  • Neli SaracenAugust 29, 2012 - 1:41 pm

    selam dear laylah, i quoted tiny part of this post in my blog post :D but i linked this post as well, hope that’s not a problem :)ReplyCancel

    • LaylahAugust 29, 2012 - 7:44 pm

      Hi Neli! Thanks for the link and quote my dear, and nice blog!!ReplyCancel

  • Saadia MirzaSeptember 8, 2012 - 11:35 pm

    Just after reading some of your posts, I love you now <3 the way you explain things is amazing Masha'Allah. Sister just wanted to say that Islam is very reasonable and beautiful. Because of ignorant people don't turn away from it. :) I cannot share my husband with anyone, can't even bear the idea of sharing. Not all woman are so big hearted. It is only recommended in certain situations and Alhamdullilah we are in no such dire circumstances.ReplyCancel

    • HeatherOctober 24, 2013 - 3:09 am

      Love this! I am a Christian who has been confronted with all the same arguments for polygamy and I have come to all the same conclusions you mention above. I find it fascinating what the Quran says and I feel the Bible says the same…it is permissible in rare cases but definitely not encouraged! Thanks for writing this!ReplyCancel

  • MaryamFebruary 18, 2014 - 2:35 pm

    I love this article. Thank you so so much for upholding women’s rights and that we dont confuse patriarchal opinions with women’s rights in general (which happens all too often living in the man’s world). And yeah, we should want for our sister what we want for ourselves, which is a good monogamous marriage for the majority of us. Polygamy is good for exceptional circumstances only, with the permission and acceptance of the first wife definitely if that is possible. But since we dont have particular exceptional circumstances happening often in today’s world compared to earlier times, we should go according to the norm; healthy monogamous marriages, with honesty, equality and justice between the partners.ReplyCancel

    • LaylaFebruary 18, 2014 - 3:32 pm

      thank you, amazing comment, so well said in a nutshell!!ReplyCancel

  • Um RayhanaMarch 27, 2014 - 3:37 pm

    Dear mrs layla pleaseeee research and study before you chose to speak about deen you REALLY have to watch what your saying. My husband wants to get a second wife and you know what i am telling him to go ahead. You know why? Because he is allowed.ReplyCancel

    • LaylaMarch 28, 2014 - 3:10 am

      Sorry to hear about your loss of half your husband Rayhana. and good luck, I do hope it works out for you.ReplyCancel

  • SalBMarch 30, 2014 - 2:56 pm

    If my husband came home and said he wants or has taken a second wife it will take me about 3 seconds to ask for a divorce and pack but that is because I know I would be a ightmare and make it impossible for all concerned.

    However, I think what is missing in this discussion is womens current attitude to sex. We know so many marriages break down in the west because the wife regularly “has a headache”. She is tired from working or caring for kids all day. She just isn’t in the mood and sex becomes a once a week duty. What man would enjoy that? Women see it as their right to have sex only when they are in the mood. Fine but don’t then complain when your husband goes looking elsewhere (either through adultery or a second wife).

    Perhaps if women put more effort into providing for their husbands needs and less into what they want, when they want it then we would have less divorces?!ReplyCancel

  • […] certain very strict conditions in Islam, (which you can read more about in this article “Sharing Husbands is Caring“) misyar is not a legal marriage as it denies women their full rights as a wife, such as […]ReplyCancel

  • Usman BarqMay 9, 2014 - 5:45 am

    Eye opener and thought provoking….. Nice Effort Thanks ReplyCancel

  • Abdul BasitJune 6, 2014 - 7:34 am

    60 Islamic ways to get and keep your wife\’s love

    60 Islamic ways to get and keep your wife\\\\\\\’s love
    Worth reading it:

    1. Make her feel secure; (sakina- tranquillity) QUIT BEING AGGRESSIVE

    2. When you go home say \\\\\\\’Assalamualaikum. \\\\\\\’ (Greetings) It kicks the shaitaan out of your home!

    3. Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) described the wife as a fragile vessel and said to take care of this vessel that’s fragile. Remember that there is goodness in this vessel so treat it gently.

    4. When you advise her, do so in privacy, in a peaceful environment. NOT IN PUBLIC as it’s a type of slandering.

    5. Be generous to your wife- it keeps her LOVED

    6. Move and let her have your seat. It will warm her heart.

    7. AVIOD ANGER. HOW? Keep your wudu at all times. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said if you are angry, sit down, if you’re sitting, then lie down. Follow the sunnah!

    8. Look good and smell great for your wife. IT keeps the LOVE!

    9. Don’t be rigid. It will break you. Prophet Mohammed – sallallahu alaihi wa sallam (SAW means “May the blessings and the peace of Allah be upon him” (Muhammad).) said \\\\\\\’I am the best amongst you and I am the best to my wife\\\\\\\’. Being rigid and harsh will not bring you close to Allah and neither does it make you more of a man.

    10. Listen to your wife-BE a GOOD LISTENER

    11. YES to flattering NO to arguing. Arguing is like poison in a marriage. Al zawai said \\\\\\\’When Allah (swt) wants evil for people He will leave them to argue amongst themselves\\\\\\\’.

    12. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said to call your wives with the best name, any name she loves to hear. Prophet Mohammed sallallahu alaihi wa sallam called Aisha \\\\\\\’ya Aish\\\\\\\’ as an endearment.

    13. Give her a pleasant surprise. I.e. if she loves watermelon, bring her one out of the blue. It will grow the love in her heart.

    14. Preserve your tongue! Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said the tongue will throw people in the hell fire so watch what you say and how you say it!

    15. All of us have shortcoming. Accept her shortcoming and Allah (swt) will put barakat in your marriage.

    16. TELL her you appreciate her. SHOW her you appreciate her.

    17. Encourage her to keep good relation with her relative, her mum and dad etc.

    18. Speak with her with a topic of HER interest.

    19. In front of her relative praise her. Confirm/ realize that she is wonderful, and that she is a good person in front of her family.

    20. Give each other gifts. You will love each other more. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said gifts increases love.

    21. Get rid of the routine once in a while, surprise her with something, it will get rid of the rust and polish it!

    22. Husnul zaan- We have a demand from Allah (swt) that we have to think good of people. Think good of your spouse.

    23. Ignore some of her mistakes- pretend you did not see/hear some of her small mistakes. It was a practice of Ali (RA). It’s like putting a hole in your memory. Don’t save it in your memory!

    24. Increase the drops of patience, especially when she is pregnant or when she is on her monthly period.

    25. Expect and respect her jealousy. Even Aisha (ra) used to get jealous.

    26. Be humble. If your profession is good, respect that she is looking after your children, she is much more than you, she is the leader at home, her strength is your strength, and her success is your success.

    27. Don\\\\\\\’t put your friends above your wife.

    28. Help your wife at home. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam used to help his wives at home and he was the best of creation. He used to sew his own clothes.

    29. Help her respect your parents, you can’t force her to love them, but she can be helped to gradually love them.

    30. Show your wife she is the ideal wife.

    31. Remember your wife in your duaas. It will increase the love and protect it.

    32. Leave the past. It brings nothing but pain and grief. It’s not your business. The past is for Allah (swt).

    33. Don\\\\\\\’t try to show her that you are doing her a favour by doing something, like buying food for the house, because in reality we are the courier of sustenance, not the providers, as Allah is the provider. It’s also a way of being humble and thankful to Allah (swt)

    34. Shaitaan is your enemy, not your wife. Sometime when husband and wife are talking a fight breaks out, then shaitaan is present there as a third person so he is the real enemy. It is not enough to hate the shaitaan, but you have to see him as an enemy as Allah has commanded. Shaitaan loves divorce. HE comes everyday and sits office and asks the devils what they have done, some say i have made a person steal, or i have made someone drink etc. And one devil will say i have made a man divorce his wife, and he is crowned as the one who has done the best job.

    35. Take the food and put it in her mouth. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam taught us this. It’s a blessing. The food doesn’t just go to her stomach, but straight to her heart. It increases the love and mercy between you.

    36. Protect your wife from the evil of the shaitaan and mankind. She is like a precious pearl that needs protecting from the envy of human devils and shaitaan.

    37. Show her your smile. Smile at your wife. IT’S A CHARITY.

    38. Small problems/ challenges can become a big problem. Or if there is small thing she didn\\\\\\\’t like and you keep repeating them anyway, it will create a wall between you. Don’t ignore them as it can become big.

    39. Avoid being harsh hearted and moody. Allah said of prophet (saw) \\\\\\\’if you were harsh hearted they (the companions) would have left you.\\\\\\\’ It confirms prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam was not harsh hearted, so GET RID OF IT.

    40. Respect her thinking. It’s strength for you. Show you like her thoughts and suggestions.

    41. Help her to achieve her potential and help her to dig and find success within as her success is your success.

    42. Respect the intimate relationship and its boundaries. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said she is like a fragile vessel and she needs to be treated tenderly. Sometime she may not be feeling well; you must respect and appreciate that feeling.

    43. Help her to take care of the children. Some men think it makes them appear less of a man but in fact it makes you appear a bigger man and more respected, especially in the sight of Allah (swt).

    44. Use the gifts of the tongue and sweet talk her. Tell her she looks great, be an artist. Pick and choose gifts of the tongue.

    45. Sit down and eat with her and share food with her.

    46. Let her know you are travelling. Don\\\\\\\’t tell her out of the blue as it’s against Islam. Tell her the date/ time of when you are coming back also.

    47. Don\\\\\\\’t leave the house as soon as trouble brews.

    48. The house has privacy and secrecy. Once you take this privacy and secrecy to your friends and family you are in danger of putting a serious hole in your marriage. This secrecy stays home. Islam is against leaving them out like a garage sale for anyone to come and pick and choose.

    49. Encourage each other for ibadah, i.e. plan a trip for hajj or umrah together. It increases and strengthens the love when you help each other perform a good deeds together i.e, do tahajuud together,or go to a dars together etc.

    50. Know her rights, not only written in paper but engraved in your heart and engraved in your conscious.

    51. Allah( swt) said \\\\\\\’live with your wives in kindness.\\\\\\\’ Treat them with kindness and goodness. It means in happy times and in sadness treat her with goodness and fairness.

    52. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam showed that at the time of intimacy. Don’t jump on your wife like an animal!

    53. When you have a dispute with your wife don’t tell everyone. It’s like leaving your wounds open to germs so be careful who you share your problems and disputes with.

    54. Show your wife you really care for her health. Good health of your wife is your good health. To care for her health shows her that you love her.

    55. Don’t think you are always right. No matter how good you are you have shortcomings. You are not perfect as the only one who was perfect in character was prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam Get rid of this disease.

    56. Share your problems, your happiness, and your sadness with her.

    57. Have mercy on her weakness. Have mercy when she is weak or strong as she is the fragile vessel. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said that your wife is a trust in your hand.

    58. Remember you are her strength, someone to lean on in times of hardship.

    59. Accept her as she is. Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said that women are created from the rib which is bent. If you try to straighten her you will break her (divorce). Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said that you may dislike one habit in her but you will like another manner in her so accept her as she is.

    60. Have good intention for your wife all the time, Allah monitors your intention and your heart at all times. Allah (s.w.t) said Among His Signs is that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.
    source: http://www.learnquraan.co.ukReplyCancel

  • Amer Al-jabrJune 6, 2014 - 12:11 pm

    I believe it’s a woman right to know if her husband is about to start polygamy, also she should know if he has any Intentions of polygamy before marriage.
    Men these days don’t think of marriage only after age of 30, he wouldn’t take such a responsibility in early age that’s why we see women get married in late age or even don’t get married at all !
    It’s really hard to find a good man cuz usually saudies women don’t choose thier husbands, they just wait for one, that reduces the possibility of finding a good husband.
    Most of men uses religion as a cover for their sexual appeals.
    In my opinion polygamy if done properly like what was mentioned in verses can help solve many problems.ReplyCancel

  • Ahmad AsaadJune 28, 2014 - 7:10 pm

    Muslim fathers and mother, teach your sons to avoid polygamyReplyCancel

  • Lucrezia PachecoJuly 31, 2014 - 6:16 pm

    I know a woman from Pakistan that was pestering her husband to take a second wife because she was tired of catering to her husband, caring about 3 boys from hell, sex and other things that do not allow her to “have her own life” ( music , movies, clothes, gossip). Now her husband has a young wife and she has a maid, a cook,a cleaner, a nanny and someone to boss around and yell at when she is angry for whatever reason. To each their own I guess…ReplyCancel

  • Ali AhmadMarch 4, 2015 - 3:49 pm

    Masha Allah Thanks for this beautiful article.ReplyCancel

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