Warning! This is a satirical article. Readers who do not understand what satire is are advised to stop reading, now. Reader discretion is advised for individuals suffering from the following syndromes: HOFI (Highly offended about everything Individual) EGNOH (Entitled ignorant with no sense of humor) and CRAP (Cranky Annoyed Person).

Dear Mr. President Trump,

I heard that you’re visiting us here in Saudi Arabia this coming weekend. I must say, great choice for your first visit abroad! I’m confident that great things are about to follow from the Arab American Islamic Summit in Riyadh. I have a feeling it’s going to be huge. Yuge.

Donald, I’m so glad you appreciate Saudi Arabia as a travel destination. That means we actually have something in common!  Have you been reading the Blue Abaya blog? I bet that you or your team have been around. If your team googled just about anything related to travel and tourism in Saudi Arabia, you’d get one of my articles on the top Google search.

For example, if you Google: Amazing Places in Saudi Arabia.

I know you appreciate people who work hard, I want to tell you that the success of this website and all the social media channels are the result of my 7 years of hard work. Btw, it’s not my style to be braggadocious, but I’ve been taking some notes from you.

Blue Abaya is Saudi Arabia’s first and most well known blog about tourism and travel in the Kingdom. Have a look around and you’ll be amazed at the terrific places I’ve been to in Saudi Arabia. Can you believe I’ve been to all corners of Saudi Arabia? (I’m from Finland originally, btw. If you want to read more about me you’ll find that here.)

Who would’ve thought there could be such tremendous beauty in a land which most of the outside world thinks is full of sand and rocks? We do have a couple of nice rocks too though, such as this one here:  We also have mountains, forests and terrific beaches like this one from the Farasan Islands: 

Can you tell I could go on and on about places to visit in Saudi Arabia?

But enough about me, let’s talk about you Donald and America. I’ve noticed that a lot of your fellow countrymen, (I suspect they’re mostly your voters) don’t know much about the world outside the U.S.A. and certainly have no clue about what Saudi Arabia is really like. Ok they might know there’s oil. Camels. Some sand. And that women can’t drive. But that’s probably mostly it. So what a terrific opportunity this is to educate your people by visiting Saudi Arabia. Very smart move Donald!

I’ve checked your schedule in Riyadh and was happy to notice you’re visiting the National Museum (I’ve written a short guide to the museum if you need a quick briefing find it here: Guide to Riyadh’s National Museum.) You’ll learn a lot at the amazing museum about the rich history of the Arabian peninsula. The nearby Murabba palace and King Abdulaziz Historical Center are just great too, make sure to check out the traditional Saudi doors there. Wonderful isn’t it?

Donald, I’ve heard you hate reading long memos. So for your convenience, I’ve drafted a quick KSA check list for you.

As a bonus I’ve included what to pack for your Saudi trip so that you’ll absolutely feel like you’re winning!

DONALD’S SAUDI ESSENTIALS (WHAT YOU NEED):

–Baby wipes. I’ve noticed you have a hard time in the heat, well here in Riyadh we’re currently at about + 42c ( about 120 F). So once you step out of the Air-force One, you’ll get this experience of stepping into a convection oven. You know the kind that blows hot air around. With baby-wipes at hand you’ll totally feel like you’re winning.  Some other fun stuff that happens in Saudi when summer rolls around find out here.

–self tanning cream. Not sure how often you use this, but let me just mention that we have no self-tanning creams available in Saudi Arabia. You’ll only find whitening creams cuz you know, people are born with perfect tans around here. Imagine if you accidentally used whitening cream! What a disaster that would be.

–swimsuit. (For you, not Melania or Ivanka). There’s a outrageously beautiful pool at the Ritz Carlton where you’ll be visiting. Unfortunately in KSA, women are not allowed to swim in the public hotel pools, not even in burkinis. Sometimes they won’t even allow us to sit near the pool while we watch our children and the men swimming. Can you believe that? Me either.

–hats. This is for Melania and Ivanka. Don’t take headscarves. Wear hats. You know how the western media is obsessed with how women dress. Yes we have that here in Saudi as well. The “fake media” will be doing a piece on what the women in your family will be / will not be wearing. They will obviously not give a crap what you wear since you’re a man, (unless you put your ‘Make America Great Again’ cap on) however, having the gals wear hats will really mess with the fake news reporters heads. I know you enjoy messing with them, so here’s your chance.
When Angela Merkel visited us a few weeks back in Saudi Arabia, her visit was reduced to a headscarf by the fake media. It was reported as “breaking news” by the Independent that she arrived in KSA without a headscarf. I know, it’s terrible. Sad!

Important side note for the fake news reporters!

Headscarves are not required for foreign women in KSA. Only abayas are mandatory for everyone. If you don’t know what an abaya is, have a look here. If you think a foreign head of state not wearing a headscarf will somehow have an impact on the status of Saudi women, you are wrong, Very wrong. Saudi women do not give a camel’s ass about your choices, nor does it affect their lives in any way.

I just realized that’s another thing we have in common Donald, the problems with the terrible fake media. I just happened to stumble upon another Saudi fake news site that has stolen my image. Unfortunately there are no ethics or morals in this area when it comes to reporting and “borrowing” people’s ideas. Just check what I found on Arab News today:Looks familiar right? Just to remind you if you already forgot, this is my photo from Farasan Islands in Saudi Arabia. They just removed my watermark and stole also my post title. I bet even your favorite American “fake media” New York Times aren’t as bad as these guys. This is not the first time either, or the only so called newspaper that does this. Sad!

DONALD HERE IS WHAT YOU DON’T NEED

–driver’s license. None of your family members will need it. I know how much you HATE not being able to drive anymore, now that you’re President and this basic human right was taken away from you. It sucks doesn’t it? Another thing we have in common! So now that you’re quite literally in the shoes of women in Saudi Arabia, you’re in a very unique position to empathize. It might be a great idea to mention in your speech how awful it is not being able to drive yourself! It’s terrible. It’s a disaster.

Side note to your daughter Ivanka: her being all about #womenwhowork and equal right’s for women, Ivanka might be interested in the plight of Saudi women to get their equal rights.

FACT: Women employment levels are very low in KSA because women literally can’t commute to their workplaces. Saudi women are very highly educated (even more so than their male counterparts). Not being able to drive is literally preventing thousands of women from working.

Donald here’s a pro tip for you. Don’t be fooled by the statements “Saudi society is not ready for women driving”, which you will undoubtedly hear during your visit. These are alternative facts. Saudi Society is ready. Bigly. They only need a royal decree to lift the ban. Hint hint.

–walls. Here in KSA we already have lots of walls, they segregate the two genders everywhere in public places. If you go to Starbucks, you’ll see a popup wall that divides people by gender into two lines. You could give some wall building tips to Saudis though, we know how you build the best walls in the world.

Donald I’m happy to inform you that your arrival has been prepared for even more bigly than when Obama was in Riyadh. There are about 57,295 American flags all over Riyadh (compared to 31,748 flags for Obama) and your face next to King Salman’s along with the slogan “Together we prevail” -posters have been set up all over the city.

I can almost guarantee there will be more people effected by your arrival to Riyadh than there were present at your historical inauguration. How awesome is that?

Welcome to Saudi Arabia Donald Trump!